Well it will soon be bloody Christmas....

I hate christmas...what a complete and utter waste of two weeks of good holiday. The best christmases I have had since my kids grew up, or indeed I grew up, were when I went away with the family to sunnier climes!
Christmas day on the beach eating sandwiches and an ice cream you cannot beat it...bloody damn site better than stuffing yourself with turkey, watching the queen on tv, re runs of James Bond, Only Fools and Horses and other banaal stuff!

I have tried to go away this christmas...but the rip off airlines and holiday companies have priced it way out of my pocket this year and so I am forced to stop here and suffer like so many others.

So....just what is the real meaning of Christmas today....not the Jesus and the manger stuff, as sweet as it is, but the REAL meaning of Christmas?

I think it is a time of year for everyone to buy presents and send cards to people they haven't seen for ages...a sort of catholic like three hail Marys for not having had the bother to pick up the phone or pop over and say hello. Or, possibly, a time that has been orchestrated by the media and the shopping/retailing fraternity to make you spend your hard earned cash on junk that is usually over priced and badly made, specifically bought in for the heards of headless chickens eagerly trying to achieve that catholic virtue mentioned earlier.

In a couple of words... greed and atonement!

Greed and atonement..... what a sad conclusion to come up with.

Lets look at it further....
I have just been up the village and the parking has reached new hights of diabolical not seen since probably this time last year. Lorries and cars parked opposite each other blocking the route for others so that the selfish individuals can go and get their last minute pressie or deliver that last minute pressie.

The country will no doubt have a problem with the French Air traffic control/channel tunnel/ferries so that they can force another wage increase upon the companies who in turn will raise prices so that I cannot go away again next year.

Suicide bombers will be preaching goodwill to all men, women and children, as they blow them all to bits in the name of their Deity.

Worst of all whilst we are all out enjoying ourselves at the Christmas party/disco/concert there will be poor individuals committing suicide as it is traditionally the time of year to do it and other unfortunate souls will be murdered, maimed, killed or whatever by the drunks from all those parties/dicscos/concerts etc...

What a sad sh*tty state of affairs to be in. What future for our children?

Christmas....Bah Humbug!
In the words of the greatest Australian comic ever...Kevin Bloody Wilson...
D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.
(Work it out for yourself or look at previous postings...)

Moriarty the Mundane...
p.s. Listen to this song, its very rude so be warned, if you want to see my thoughts echoed by someone else!

Callum Chesworth

Hi... today I am going to publicise to the world that I/we need a little help.
I have mentioned elsewhere on this blog that I help out at the Dudley Ladies Running Club every Tuesday and Thursday night, whenever possible. Well, we have a good friend there, Mrs Mundane and myself, by the name of Brenda.
Brenda has a grandson, Callum, who unfortunately has a problem...namely, born eight weeks premature, the doctors have confirmed he has Cerebral Palsy and needs to attend hospital appointments to monitor his progress!

Unfortunately, now aged three he requires regular weekly/twice weekly visits to a specialist physio, which will enable him to walk, and a speech therapist as he cannot yet talk.

So how can you help?
Simple...take a look at Callums blog by clicking here, read it from end to end and think how lucky you are not to be in his position. Then if it takes your fancy, make a small donation and then sit back and feel warm and snug inside knowing you will have helped Callum and many others by that simple bold statement.

Thankyou for reading...
Mr and Mrs Moriarty Le Mundane.

Kevin "bloody" who..?

Last friday, knackered from returning from Cologne in the early hours of that morning, see my earlier blog, I got the chance to go and see just about the worlds funniest Australian. Oh, and the rudest!

Kevin "Bloody" Wilson.

Jeez, this man is like a breath of fresh air to comedy.
He tells anecdotes from his life in the Bush in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia, that always have a rude inuendo (or twelve) contained within. These inevitably lead to a song that Kev has either written or in the case of some songs..."De-composed"
De- composed? Well he takes a well known song and by the simple substition of a word or two changes the meaning of the whole song!
E.G. I saw mommy kissing santa claus...becomes I saw mommy s*cking Santa Claus!
Get the drift? Thought so and so did the 200 plus crowd at Dudley Town hall the other night.

This is the third time I have seen Kev and other than the fact that the acoustics in the town hall are crap, I have previously seen him at the Princess theatre cannock, the show was excellent.
All the old favourites were to be heard including, and I kid you not,
"The Local Coppers a ****!" "Hello Operator", "Manuel the Bandito", "D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.!" and the classic "Can't say **** in Canada!"

Now I don't advocate such profanity usually, in fact quite the opposite. But, you do have to be there to see Kev and get the whole thing put into context so to speak to make it all click into place and become genuinely hilarious. Go and see him you know it makes sense!
Finally, to those of you who think its all in bad taste I only have one thing to say..."D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.!" To coin a Kev phrase...

Moriarty the mundane...

p.s. A link to Kevs site, checkout Kev FM and for those bemused by just what does "D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.!" mean, a link to a "youtube video" I have found.

http://www.kevinbloodywilson.com/
"D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.!"

Well, I went to Germany last week see...

Well I have been to Germany last week on a "Cultural Exchange" with students from the school I work at here in the UK.
Having been before, I knew roughly what to expect. But, I must say, I never expected to see two cracking bands live.

The first band were setting up in front of the Cathedral in Cologne on the big Piazza(?) and as soon as I saw the local TV camera's I knew we were into something good.
I was not wrong!
The band are called The Sideburns and play what they call garage dirty funk. Me I just loved the live music!
Below is a link to a video I made of just two short songs that I have put up onto youtube.

Watch the sideburns here

The band consists of four "geezers" a drummer, guitarist, bass player and a singer. Look carefully at the video and you will see the german tv cameras to the left at the start. Oh, and check out the instruments and the singers pa system!
I enjoyed them so much and wanting to buy a momento of Germany and Cologne, I bought their CD. My thanks go to the chap (the guitarist I think) who said it would be ok to put the video on youtube. I hope he understood!

The second band...well, they are not a professional band in the true sense of the word but a bunch of "ageing rockers" who love to blast out some old sixties and seventies songs in the basement of a local school.
The guitarist and singer, I consider now to be a friend of mine, (I stop with him on the exchange) named Georg Wehner, the others, although I was introduced, I am afraid I do not know. This was/is my only meeting of them and I found them to be a great bunch of blokes who's heart is in their music, presumably as a release from their day time jobs.

The band is called "butter side down"...
watch them on the links below.

Dead end Street
White Room
You Really Got Me

So, for me, I fealt the five days away was a good result! I can't wait to go back...
Moriarty das weltliche, er...Moriarty the mundane

Hoosemairtes....who?

I've got this old school mate see. Duncan, Duncan Disorderley.
I know, its an old joke but you haven't met him. Dunc is a character, his mother was a character and probably someone related to them was a character too. But Duncan is...well special!
He can pick up his guitar and turn a barbie or a party in to a major social gathering full of merriment and music. I kid you not!

Dunc got me into playing guitar back in about 1973/4. I quickly became better then him but thats where it all went wrong. I peaked about 1976 in that glorious hot summer we older ones all talk about. Dunc peaked about....well, now really!

He has started his own guitar shop a few years ago, has taught guitar for a number of years quite successfully, but, its his playing. The bar steward has only gone and become good. I mean...well, bloody brilliant really.

I lost touch with Dunc for about 20 years, we all get married and move around abit and Dunc ended up in sunny Leictershire way and I ended up in Sunny Wombourne. Then one christmas break, I recieved an email via that wonderful website, Friends reunited.

The gist of the mail was, er..."hello tall hairy lanky ba*t*rd, short fat f*cker here. Ring this number.

Sitting there, puzzling over who it could be, I quickly new this person really knew me, as, I was a tall hairy lanky person many years ago in the seventies. I'm still tall, not so hairy now and I like to think I am lanky but I guess portly is a more apt description.

Having worked in Leicester for a while I guessed the code was a Leicestershire area number, but, who?
This person was, or is, now smaller than me from his description, thought he was fatter than me (still is...just) and obviously has a sense of humour.

Well I picked up the phone and dialled. There was only one person it could be and that was one Mr Duncan Keith!

The rest as they say is now history.

We quickly met up, I met his wife Mandy and three georgoeous daughters and we just took off from where we left off and all is good. A RESULT!

ALMOST!

The little sh*t is now, as I said, a bloody good guitarist and I am not. He is in a number of all different styles of band, I'm not in any. But it gets worse....I get him sodding bookings to show him off to people!

You need to check out the current band, The Hoosemairtes. Yes its a crappily spelled name, no one can pronounce it right and I dont know anyone who tells you they like Irish Folk.
Untill that is they see this band.
Dunc, Dave and there current drummer Nige, (he's quietly good is Nige) can, in an evening, turn even the hardest rocker, the funkiest funkster and the bluesiest ...well you get the picture, person into an Irish stylee folkist.

They mix up Blues, Rock, Folk and Funk throw in some acoustic and some electric stuff, make your ears bleed with raucous slide guitar and then send you home quietly chuffed at how good a night it has been.

Dunc...hats off to you mate, I love yah!

So...how do you get to see him and the band?
Easy, book him, details on their website, http://www.hoosemairtes.co.uk/
or if you go to Youtube... http://www.youtube.com/ type in very carefully.... hoosemairtes.
Thats HOOSEMAIRTES.
Oh sod it! You'll probably spell it wrong so click on the links below!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jB3XQ9dzWw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f26X7YGrYXM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2980AkpYZY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cf3-l5D1wdg

Sit back, watch, listen and enjoy...

Moriarty the mundane...

Vasectomy!!!!...Or "How's your Plums?"

In my last posting I mentioned my vasectomy. Now those who know me know I like a laugh and a joke and don't mind having the p*ss taken out of me. "Just remember, I can always take it back out of you" I say. And I do!!
So when I wrote my last blog I did say that I may talk about the "old severing of the testicles" in some detail.

Now, being shy and retiring I never got around to having my operation filmed...well you don't do you? But, I have researched the operation on the web and found a cracking site dedicated to the fine art of the vasectomy.

Surprisingly, I am amazed at the men who have said they have had it done when they heard I had but, more surprisingly, the men who were squeamish as I gave them the gory details. If a guy was particularly squeamish I used to slightly exaggerate the really juicy bits, there aren't really any/many, just to watch them turn a nice shade of puice!

The sad thing was when one of the girls in the office mentioned that her "other half" had cancelled his appointment three times! He still hasn't had it done! So this blog is dedicated to him and those like him, to say "come on mate...two bricks and smack its all over! It doesn't hurt a bit, unless you catch your thumbs!"


So for those brave enough, visit...
http://www.beavercleaver.net/

So why was my blog entitled "So hows your plums!"?
Well it was performed on a Tuesday and by Thursday they were going a little darker than usual. By Saturday there was a definate soreness and some swelling. Nothing, as one would say "Untoward" or "Unduly Concerning." The following Tuesday? PLUMS....thats the best I can describe them! The Left one? Well....any bigger and Cricket and "tampering with balls" springs to mind!

Happy days...
Moriarty the mundane....

Speed Bumps...bloody speed bumps!

Today I had a vasectomy!
I suppose that if you read the title above you have guessed already what I am about to say?
I may do a blog on my vasectomy over the next few days so that the men in this world who cant bring themselves to have one, may feel better about it and go on to do it! But, I digress...

I live in a village....a nice village with a cricket green and a church, a local womens institute a new library, shops, a bank, Doctors surgery, infact everything you could wish for, BUT FOR PARKING SPACES!
So, whats this got to do with speed bumps?

People don't park in Wombourne, our village, as there are too few places to park, so they "Dump" their cars where they like and go about their shopping etc. On pavements, across driveways, even blocking off a roadway to a local old peoples home. Obviously, this causes mayhem with the traffic which over the years has been exacerbated by the inability of our local council to stop builders building on any scrap of land they think they can get away with.

To quantify/qualify this fact, in 1984 when we moved to the village it's population was about 10500. It is now nearer 18000 and still growing. It is infact recognised as the second largest, possibly the largest, village in Britain. It is bigger than many towns and it would not surprise me if there is a city, somewhere, smaller or of similar stature!
To try and overcome this problem we had a number of choices and the council for whatever reason chose traffic calming measures. SPEED HUMPS to you and me!

Dont just take my word for it look what Bob Lee had to say about speed humps in staffordshire...

"The use of speed humps does affect patients. No matter how careful the driver is, it's uncomfortable to go over speed bumps. Crews have to slow down and with something like a heart attack patient, every second is vital. Potentially speed humps may be life takers, not life savers."

Bob Lee, Staffordshire Ambulance Service
Lichfield Chronicle 2004-10-15

Me, I would have towed and ticketed every wrongly/badly parked vehicle in sight until the populace learnt how to drive/park/be courteous!

I am not sure of the logic, even though I attended a meeting or two about the new measures before they were implemented, but I think the hidden agenda here is to make the village so bloody awkward to get into, or out of, people would rather shop elsewhere than traverse each of these monolithical speed humps that abound on the main arterial roads of the village. I hear more are on the way for the last remaining road into the village as the last onslaught has not quite killed off the traffic or the local shop trade!

Still....back to this vasectomy and those bloody humps!

The wife was driving and we were approaching the humps and she slowed down for them, as you would. She wasn't travelling very fast, probably not even twenty miles an hour, when she hit the first hump. God strike! It was like someone was practising their circus skils with my goolies!
Half a dozen humps later and I was looking for the pain killers and wishing i had never heard of a vasectomy never alone just had one!

So, the moral of this story?
If you think you need a vasectomy and you live near me, think carefully, very carefully, about what you intend to do. Then plan your route home!

It's a hard life....(well it won't be tonight, thats for sure!)

Catch you later....
Moriarty the mundane aka "One hung low"...

My mower again, again....

Well I said I did not think it could get more mundane than this and yesterday it did!

A fellow mower enthusiast (Paul) got in touch via this blog and we met up yesterday. Suffice to say we had three hours together and we both found we had a good friendship developing and an unhealthy interest for old mowers and motorbikes! Suffice to say, we swapped old motorcycling yarns and then had a play with each others respective mowers. Paul has a similar mower to my old Atco and an all but identical Qualcast 16 (Puffing Billy) it was a novel experience to say the least.

Now I know I write tongue in cheek...but this is now getting a little surreal to say the least.
Nevertheless....we are contemplating going to the Malvern show in two weeks time to possibly exhibit our mowers in a stand of Vintage mowers!

Oh....and we made a short video...as you do!

Watch the video here...


Moriarty the mundane....and ridiculous!!??!

My Mower again...

Well its been some time since I last talked about me mower...and now I am talking about it all the time!
Why you might ask? Well the local Express and Star newspaper has only been and done some features on old mowers...see everyone likes mundanery, and I have managed to get meself into the paper with a piccy of not one but two old mowers.
How mundane can I get? Well...lets wait a few months and see!
The mowers in question are "Puffing Billy" and "son of Billy?".

Billy senior, as you all know from reading the last blog about him, is a Qualcast 16 from around the turn of the war. I have spoke to my "ole man" at length and find that it was bought by him about 1963 and transported home in the front of his Moggy Minor (OUJ90, if anyone knows of its whereabouts contact me) having removed the front seat to get it in. He had bought it from TOC H (?) from around the Wollaston area of Stourbridge where it had been mowing the churchyard of a local church. It was sold because the people using it were frightened of it as it only had two speeds..."Quiet or noisy" Noisy being very fast and unmanegable! Hence the impending sale to my Dad for, he thinks, about a fiver...a veritable Queens ransom in those days with a seven year old lad, me, and a baby on the way...me sister!

Subsequent examination proved it was nothing more than a jammed, wrongly assembled, carburettor and it was soon weaving its magic on the family lawns billowing clouds of two stroke fumes as it went up and down. Hence...."Puffing Billy".

Over the years it has been repainted in a garish green, Dad's a touch colour blind and had a new set of chains. The clutch assembly for the actuating arm broke passing to close to the rockery some years back and had to have a new one fabricated from steel as the cast iron part was beyond repair. and soon it is to have the exhaust box repaired as sixty plus years of fumes have finally corroded it through. Not bad really for its age...its doing better than me!

Billy Junior...well what can I say about him? Not a lot really...given to me a few years ago by my next door neighbour. It in turn had been given to him by a relation many years before. It is an Atco with a fourstroke engine the same as seen on numerous Suffolk Colts from the sixties through to recent years. It has not seen much use as it is awkward to handle because the clutch is a weird affair with a combination of a lever about three foot long and a handlebar lever like a push bike brake lever. It wont roll backwards because of a dog clutch and although light and a very good cut is produced, turning around or backing out of borders is hence made quite difficult.

Would I swap either for love or money? Nah!!! These modern day mowers are pretty useless by comparison. If you can afford it they are not going to last if they are going to last they are just too damn expensive.

Hey Ho...such is life and the evils of modernisation...

More mundanery to follow...have a good life...
Moriarty...

My Back Passage

This last week or so I have mainly been decorating around the house as the weather has been too bad to go camping with the family.
Today I have finally finished my Kitchen, very nice it is too, and my back passage, for want of a better expression!! Hopefully, as the weather doesn't look like getting any better this coming week I shall have time to spruce up the Hall Stairs Landing and fit some new lights around the patio. You read my blog on my patio...didnt you?

Ahh well...the smell of fresh paint still lingers and the wife looks like she wants me to do a few more odd jobs so...
Bye for now...
Moriarty the Mundane

More Mundane Moments....

Well the patio now looks a treat...the garden is slowly starting to tidy up nicely and we are getting closer to the day we have our first party on the new patio!
So....the boys, who are away on holiday from school, have helped me tart up "Kerchunk!"
Kerchunk is our old gas fired Barbie, so called, because in the days when it used to light at the of the press of a button it used to make a clicking noise that sounded sort of like...well...er.."Kerchunk!"
So far we are making new wooden slatted side bits as the old ones have rotted, sanded down the new bits to be stained in a dark sort of teak/mahogany colour and we will be sanding down the aluminium body ready for a new coat of barbecue black paint. Once all assembled with a new rubber gas hose it should be ready for lighting and burning off all the dead spiders and greasy fat! We cant wait!!

My new patio....
Well we decided to have a new patio. So, Mrs Mundane and I got some quotes in and chose Scott a local up and coming landscape gardener who has just "Gone on his own." Having used Scott in the past for other mundane gardeny like things such as tree surgery and fence erecting we know his work is really good. He has relaid slabs and turf at the mother in laws so we were expecting a good job.
One week later not only has he laid a beautiful new patio in Indian sandstone but remodelled the drive for us!
It was agreed that as much of the old slabs as possible could be used as hardcore to provide a firm base to take the weight of the family cars. Finally toppedoff with limestone "MOT" whatever that is...whacker plated and gravelled, the final outcome was a whole lot better.
So what did it cost...well, thats imaterial suffice to say Mrs Mundane is more than pleased and thats good enough for me!

Ubuntu....what is it?

Well yesterday we downloaded Ubuntu....a version of Linux, totally free and complete with an office suite and all sorts of gubbins.

(http://www.ubuntu.com/)

Is it any good and why I hear you ask?
Well....its not Microsoft, its totally free and available as a download and essentially it allows you to have a reliable alternative to an MS Windows operating system. It looks and performs well and even though I work in the industry and I'm reasonably computer literate, I can see that it would not give to much trouble to the average bod who is used to XP.
If your a complete novice however, both XP and Ubuntu will be as difficult as each other.

Would I reccomend it?

Unfortunatley, after plodding away trying to install extra applications, very unsuccessfully, a product that we all thought originally was bloody great suddenly became bloody hard and not worth using! So I'm afraid that is a definate loud NO!

Feel free to have a go yourself....we will persevere during the summer and try to see where we are going wrong but until then...stick with XP.

Bill Gates 1....Ubuntu...0

Moriarty....

My Mower

Just thought you might like to see my mower...Its a circa 1945 Qualcast 16. It has a sixteen inch cut, a Villiers 98cc two stroke engine and is known as "Puffing Billy" because of the clouds of two stroke smoke it billows out!

We were in the server room today and my new techie came up with a statement...
"The A41 goes from near my house to chester"
Now, out of context this is a bit of a mundane statement on its own but believe me...in context, it was...er...still pretty mundane but it invoked "hails of derisive laughter".
We don't live in London but, in Sunny Wolverhampton, so give him his due he wasn't to know how wrong his statement was!
Five minutes on the t'internet brought up a site that confirmed just how wrong he was.
http://uk.geocities.com/afortyone/

A whole page or so about a book a story and the info we were looking for...From Baker Street to Birkenhead!

Thats a long road, it would take a long time to get there but not as long as it fealt to us checking out another piece of mundanery!

Well they are back.....
Who?
Well you just might ask....the Ugly buggers are back thats who!
Billing Aquadrome in Northampton was the venue and the third Ugly Bug Ball....oh, and the rain. Lots of it. Bloody bucketed it down all weekend.
So who are the Ugly Buggers and what is the Ugly Bug ball?
The combined efforts of a few, possibly mad, anorakish types, who form the Multipla Owners Club of Great Britain.
Ahaaa...so now you know!
Don't stop reading...its not time to switch off just yet. Basically its a meet like a Beetle bash for Multi owners or Multimates to get together do some chatting and drinking, test there driving skills and chew the fat over their Ugly Bugs....er, sorry, Multipla's and make some money for there chosen charity. Not so much this time as in previous years as the aforementioned deluge that hit Northampton all weeekend invariably kept a load of people away.
Some thirty odd, as opposed to sixty odd, turned up and eventually had a great time.
For those interested take a butchers on the owners website maintained by Oddbod, but who else, and if you own a Multi check out the yahoo forum from the main page and find out loads of tips hints, quirks and foibles that abound these veritable Tardis's (is that tardii) made by the men at Fix It Again Tomorrow.

www.multiplaowners.co.uk

Speak to you all about something else a little mundane soon....
Moriarty the mundane...